Have you ever watched your child or grandchild have a melt down over a minor issue, like dropping a lollipop?
This is a perfect example of a child’s lack of perspective or self-regulation. Children are not born with perspective and self-regulation, they develop it. As highlighted in the book “Are My Kids on Track?”, perspective is one of the 12 important milestones of emotional development for children.
Perspective or Self-Regulation is being aware of one’s thoughts and feelings and having the ability to rate the intensity of those emotions in correlation to the reality of the situation. Developing perspective creates an opportunity for individuals to be their best selves and decrease the likelihood of making conflict or adverse situations worse.
We will take a look at how kids are similar as well as how girls and boys differ in development of perspective. Keep in mind that these are generalities and may not apply to your child specifically.
How are all kids similar in perspective?
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Kids tend to experience negative emotions equally as the highest level on an emotional pain scale. For example, a child who does not get a toy may respond similarly to a friend’s betrayal.
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Kids tend to lack the necessary coping skills to deal with their emotions. We often see kids react emotionally without a filter of skills to allow them to respond according to the severity of the events.
How are boys and girls different?
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Boys learn differently than girls. They are visual, kinetic, spatial, and experiential learners, and they are not auditory learners. (Goff et al., 2017).
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Research has demonstrated that girls tend to be better at self-regulation than boys in America (Wanless et al., 2013).
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Girls tend to have better impulse control, controlling emotions/behavior, and hiding their feelings. However, there is a difference between control and true self-regulation. Control is about avoiding, hiding, or concealing feelings, and regulation is about properly feeling and processing emotions (Goff et al., 2017).
How can we help our children work on the milestone of perspective or self-regulation?
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Help your child begin to understand the severity of situations by establishing a 1-10 scale. Have them be a part of the process and allow them to help create examples for what a “10” situation might look or feel like versus a “3” or “4” situation.
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During heated discussion between an adult and child, it is recommended that all parties involved take a moment to regroup and do a relaxing activity during that break such as go for a walk, take deep breaths, journaling/drawing, etc.
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Speak in calm tones, express love, empathy, and explain the significance of taking a moment.
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Allow kids to display negative emotions in healthy ways. Playing a sport, using a trampoline, punching a pillow, listening to music, call a friend or loved one, etc., are all healthy ways to cope with negative feelings.
What does the Bible tell us about Perspective?
Ezekiel 20 shows us God’s example of perspective. God thought it better to not dump his anger on the Israelites for their disobedience and act out of who He was and not what He felt so that He would be honored and not blasphemed (Ezekiel 20:21-22).
Proverbs 25:28 says, “A man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls.” (ESV).
Article by Salima Harris, Student Intern
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