Sex goes beyond a physical act and includes our whole being. “Sexual Wholeness” is defined as the joining of the mind, body, and spirit into the expression of our sexual selves (Carlisle, 2022). Our sexuality is impacted by many things such as our culture, faith, upbringing, motivations, and previous sexual experiences.

Sex and our mental health are strongly linked. Anxiety, depression, and PTSD can impact our ability to be open with our partner sexually and experience pleasure before, during, and after a sexual encounter. Worries about desirability and performance can lead to and be affected by anxiety and depression. PTSD can lead to either hyper (out-of-control sexual behaviors) or hyposexuality (little or no sexual urges).

God designed the sexual union. Adam and Eve, the first human pairing, were an example to us of the design for marriage and physical intimacy; “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Gen. 2:24). The book of Songs of Solomon in the Bible contains many passages regarding beautiful love making (Song of Songs 1:2, 2:16, 4:5, 13, 15-16). Treating something that God designed with insincerity or frivolity devalues the experience for both partners and can lead to difficulty in other areas of the relationship.

So how can we make sex a big deal in our relationships?

• Don’t make assumptions. Talk about your expectations (frequency, desire, initiation of sex, etc.), previous experiences or traumas, and your beliefs on intimacy.

• Respect each other. Healthy relationships involve choice, respect, effective communication, openness, honesty, trust, and consent, without judgment.

• Create an aftercare practice. Aftercare is the practice of caring for each other after sex to ensure that both partners feel at ease and reduce the potential negative psychological effects of a sexual encounter.

• Don’t weaponize sex. Withholding or forcing intimacy will only serve to put further distance between you and your partner.