Contrary to our instincts, admitting we are wrong makes us more respected by others, rather than less. It is inevitable for us to sin or make mistakes, so it is essential that we learn how to recover from them. Making apologies is a key ingredient to grow our love relationships.

But we feel shame when we mess up, and our natural response, like Adam and Eve, is to hide and protect ourselves from exposure. Pride and fear prevent us from admitting it, and sometimes we avoid telling to keep ourselves on the winning side of a power struggle.

So, I share with you here a simple formula for how to apologize, written by The Institute for Christian Conciliation. It’s called the “5 A’s”, and if you memorize this simple formula and are honest about your failures, you might find yourself saying this to someone daily.

The “5A’s” are these five statements in order:

1. Admit what you did wrong.
“I admit I was wrong when I __(describe accurately your specific action).”

2. Apologize for how your choice affected the other person.
“I am sorry for __(describe the effect of your action on the other person).”

3. Accept the consequences.
“I accept that __ (state the natural consequences of this action and its effects).”

4. Alter (change) your choice in the future
“Next time I will __ (state intent for new behavior).”

5. Ask forgiveness.
“Will you forgive me?” (wait for an answer)

Let me answer a few basic questions that may arise in your mind about these statements.

1. No, time does not heal all wounds.
Offenses and bitterness can linger for decades, diminishing the quality of our relationships. Consider the life-long story of Joseph and his brothers who sold him into slavery (Gen 42:18-22, Gen 45:3-4, Gen 45:14-15).

2. Yes, you should apologize even if you did nothing wrong. 
Apologies are always needed to acknowledge that something we did negatively affected the other person. Repentance, on the other hand, is not always appropriate. It is reserved for sin or misdoings on our part, including neglecting to do the right things. My former pastor, Steve Brown, used to say, “Never call a mistake a sin, and never call a sin a mistake.” Number one of the 5 A’s addresses repentance, how our action caused an injury. Number 2 of the 5 A’s is the apology part; it focuses on how what we did affected someone else, even if we were unintentional.

3. Who you include in the apology depends on who was involved.
When you apologize, only include those who were directly affected by the failure. It should be done privately and at a comfortable and appropriate time for everyone involved.

If you want more in-depth training on these steps, repentance, or forgiveness, email programs@wellspringmiami.org to ask for more ways to get this training.

Go ahead, love well by apologizing and enjoy the surprising positive results of growing trust and richer relationships.