“It’s the most wonderful time of the year” is not true for many who are grieving the loss of loved ones. Idealized pictures of loved ones gathered and idyllic moments can serve as painful reminders of losses and increase feelings of sadness, anger, and loneliness.  Instead of anticipating joy, they may wish they could avoid the holidays all together.

If this is you, managing a new loss or a previous one that still causes pain, there is hope. If you are supporting someone else who has been impacted by loss, here are some helpful hints to cope and still experience joy this season.

For Those Grieving

Manage expectations

Along with the holidays come expectations about how you should spend your time and how you should be feeling, from yourself and from others. Living with a recent loss is exhausting, requiring a great deal of mental, emotional, and physical effort!  It can feel as if you have aged 20 years and put on 20 lbs.  Give yourself permission to not do everything you have done before or attend every obligation. Safeguarding your time and energy might be one of the best ways that you can care for yourself.

Attend to your feelings

Allow yourself to feel whatever naturally emerges.  The holidays often evoke stronger emotional reactions because of memories and traditions.  Remove from your vocabulary should and shouldn’ts.  Statements such as “I should be grateful for my health” or “I shouldn’t cry” only serve to deny whatever real underlying emotion needs to be expressed. Instead, if you notice and attend to your feelings (like talk about them, journal, just feel them) they will pass by, you can stay in the present.

Adjust traditions

If you wonder how holidays can ever measure up to those before?  Know that they can’t, so resist the urge to compare. Instead of viewing this holiday as better or worse, accept that this year will be different.  Honor some longstanding favorite traditions to create a connection to your deceased loved one.  Allow for time to talk about and remember your loved one while you participate in these traditions. Creating new rituals will help you to have hope about the future and can provide you with some control at a time where you might feel powerless in other ways.

Create a wish list

Write a meaningful wish list, not your traditional holiday wish list. Take a personal inventory of what you might need most during this holiday season.  Ask yourself and then answer honestly, “What would be helpful so that I can survive this holiday?”  Perhaps you’ll find that receiving help from others would relieve some of the burden, such as asking for prepared meals, babysitting, or accompanying you while you shop.  Be flexible with this wish list, adding to it as needed.  But have it on hand so that when asked by a caring person, “Is there anything you need”, you will be ready and prepared with an answer.  You can also ask a friend or family member to help you create this list since you might have a hard time putting your needs into words.

Do for someone else

Doing something thoughtful or charitable for someone else will offer you a break from your own pain and allow you to focus on someone else’s reality.  Preparing a dish for a neighbor, volunteering somewhere, or donating a small gift for a child could create a feeling of purpose and perhaps even some moments of joy.  Honoring your loved one’s memory with an activity that they would have enjoyed or appreciated helps create a feeling of closeness to them.

Handle with care

Whenever I receive a package with the words “Handle with Care” written across, I know to treat that package with extra special tenderness and care.  You are that package.  Allow yourself plenty of rest, a proper diet, and surround yourself with people who recognize that you are to be handled with care.

For those wanting to be a source of comfort and support to others:

Offer presence, not presents

Perhaps the best gift you can give someone grieving this holiday season is the gift of your unhurried presence.   Listening and sharing the emotional weight of loss requires time and compassion. Be that person who is truly present for them by offering your undivided attention.

Pause before you speak

An all-too-common question asked is, “What do I say to someone who is grieving?”  You might be fearful of saying the wrong thing.  Before you utter a single word, determine if what you are about to say is truly meant to comfort them or you.  If it is meant to comfort you, it might sound something like, “You just have to put your sadness aside and try to enjoy the holidays.”   This does not offer comfort to the bereaved, rather it brushes their feelings aside, and this is meant to relieve you and not them.

Sometimes less is more.  Healing words are not meant to remove their pain but rather assist them with expressing their feelings and experiences.  Offering some words of comfort might include, “I imagine the holidays are extra tough on you, and I am here to listen and help”, or “I’ve been thinking about you this holiday, and I’m sorry you are hurting”.  It is okay to ask straight forward questions about how they are coping such as, “How are you feeling?“  Make sure to mention the name of the person who has died.  You will not increase their sadness, rather it will show that you haven’t forgotten their loved one.

We can’t wrap this topic up and neatly tie it with a bow… but following these suggestions just might help. Wishing you peace, comfort and meaning this holiday season.