According to the attachment theory, the two most important needs that infants have, are the same needs that adults have: Accessibility and Responsiveness.
When I need you, will you be there? When I call you, will you answer? Many of us go through life very anxious because no one has ever shown up for us, especially as children. When primary caregivers respond to their children’s needs, these children grow up to be secure, less anxious adults who can engage in healthy relationships without the fear of disappointment.
Children whose caregivers do not show up for them and do not respond to their needs, lack secure attachment, and become insecure adults, expecting things to go wrong in their relationships and marriages. These adults trust less and live in constant fear, sometimes masked as realistic expectations. We may hear them say such things as “I’m a realist.” What they are really saying is “I’m afraid to trust for fear of getting hurt again.”
Insecure attachment is very common, because we are born to imperfect people who make mistakes as parents. They parent us according to how they learned to parent or how they think we should be parented. There are three types of insecure attachment and one secure attachment style:
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Secure – Able to create meaningful relationships; empathetic; able to set appropriate boundaries.
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Anxious Avoidant – Avoids closeness or emotional connection; distant; critical; rigid; intolerant.
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Anxious Ambivalent – Anxious & insecure; controlling; blaming; erratic; unpredictable; sometimes charming
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Anxious Disorganized – Chaotic; Insensitive; explosive; abusive; untrusting even while craving security.
If you identify with any of these insecure attachment styles (or have family members who do), and find it difficult maintaining healthy relationships, the holiday season might be especially challenging for you. You may be feeling anxious about family gatherings and the threat it poses to your wellbeing: will you be accepted as you are? Will in-laws judge you? Will you not be invited and left in isolation, especially during COVID-19? Will there be conflict with family members? These thoughts might be causing you anxiety.
Here are a few ways to reduce your anxiety:
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Remember, you control your thoughts and feelings; be mindful of that. Engage in deep breathing for relaxation.
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Find an ally. Take a friend or connect with a family member who is supportive of you. Enjoy his or her company.
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Set limits. You do not have to accept poor treatment from others. Speak up or walk away to reduce anxiety.
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Bring something soothing – a puzzle book, craft, etc. Find a quiet space that people will most likely avoid. Escape the chaos, even if for a while!
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Focus on the positives. Play with the children, etc. Anything positive will keep anxiety low.
Understanding what is happening and taking measures to make it through can increase one’s sense of control over the situation and decrease anxiety. Remember this, we can’t always fix our problems, but we can fix how we think about our problems.
Focus on Joy!!!
Written by Goumah Conde, RMFT
On this week’s episode, Tova Kreps, LCSW talks with Goumah Conde, RMFT, and Erik Williams, RMHC, about identifying attachment styles and handling conflict in marriage.
