Larry Crabb, a Christian psychologist defines anger as, “a strong feeling of annoyance, pain or frustration caused by a blocked goal we have set for ourselves either consciously or unconsciously.” Throughout the Bible, both God the Father and God the Son (Jesus), express anger as an emotion when we as human beings have acted in ways that interfere with His desire to be close to us. Thus, anger, by virtue, is not bad, but the expression of anger can be healthy or unhealthy.
The Gottman Institute describes anger as being like an iceberg. The tip of the ‘Angry Iceberg’ we can see is the angry behavior, but the largest part which exists below the surface is usually pain. Pain can be grief, jealousy, loneliness, fear, anxiety, exhaustion, embarrassment, etc.
The three most common roots of anger are:
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Fear – when the legitimate goal of feeling secure is threatened. (i.e., losing a home, losing a job, losing control)
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Pain – when the legitimate goal of feeling significant is unmet. (i.e., feeling dismissed, disrespected, or overlooked)
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Frustration – when our desire to be comfortably loved and significant is blocked.
This can cause us to express anger in unhealthy ways such as with passive aggression or open aggression. Couples should attempt to display assertive anger which can be defined as nonviolent, yet firm displays of anger. Mature couples stop, try to understand the cause of their anger, and then approach their spouse to communicate without the intent of being hurtful, destructive, or divisive. Jesus used assertive anger in Matthew 21:12-13 when he overturned the tables of money changers in the temple. Couples can display controlled anger by calming down before speaking – “I felt disrespected when you forgot to call and let me know you would be late for dinner. I need you to communicate with me and I would appreciate a text or a call”.
When this doesn’t work, couples should seek counseling to address deep-rooted or unresolved trauma which, when left unchecked, can wreak havoc not just relationally, but personally and physically through high blood pressure, heart disease, headaches, and digestive problems. Counseling can help when one or both members of a couple struggles with anger.
“A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger ” Proverbs 15:1
“Refrain from anger and turn from wrath, do not fret it leads only to evil.” Psalm 37:8
Individuals who are currently experiencing domestic violence are strongly encouraged to reach out a pastor, trusted friend, or body of counseling professionals at Wellspring. Individuals may also dial the Domestic Violence Hotline to seek support and social services: 1-800-799-7233.
