“So where does it hurt?”, your doctor asks you. Although we all attempt to avoid pain, the pain response itself is valuable. Without it, we don’t know when we need to rest, go to the doctor, or heal a wound. Like biting our tongues after novacaine at the dentist, without pain, we do not know how to protect ourselves. Our bodies speak to us through our physical sensations, pain telling us to attend to something, and pleasure encouraging us to repeat a behavior, like that second bite of delicious chocolate.
Similarly, emotional pain and pleasure also have the purpose of sending us messages. Our emotions, or feelings, are not right or wrong, they are merely messengers to our brains to tell us to take notice of something and to take action.
For example, anger tells us that we believe that there has been an injustice. To get rid of the negative emotion of anger, we need to diagnose the cause of it and act to address the culprit. If the cause is someone offending us, we may need to confront, set boundaries, leave, and/or forgive them. When we have taken an appropriate response, the anger will subside. Feeling anger is not actually our problem, the cause is the problem.
Having said that, please note two things.
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First, the feelings are neutral messengers, but dumping those feelings on innocent bystanders is a behavior that is not OK. Having feelings is not an excuse to express them indiscriminately.
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Second, feelings tell us what we believe. Again, the feeling is not right or wrong, but what you believe may be untrue. So, back to the anger example, if you feel angry because you believe that you should always be catered to and are more important than everyone else, then your belief is the problem, not the feelings.
There is a simple path to process negative emotions:
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Notice your feelings. Slow down, and notice what you are feeling. Use your behaviors as guides. For instance, if you are snappy with everyone, maybe you are angry, disappointed or frustrated.
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Allow your emotions to rise without judging them. Don’t shoot the messenger; just hear the message.
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Analyze the source of your feelings. Generalized emotions are hard to address; we need to attach our feelings to specific causes. What are you sad about, with whom are you angry, when did you start to become frustrated, etc.?
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Take actions to resolve your emotions. Fear or anxiety may lead us to set up protections for ourselves, to pray, or to seek help. Sadness tells us to find ways to honor what we have lost, to grieve, to remember or to replace. Bitterness leads us to accept, let go or forgive. Guilt leads to repentance.
If we let our negative feelings come, and take actions to resolve their causes, they will go away on their own. If we avoid, deny or ignore our feelings, they will turn into a confusing crowd of emotions knocking at our door, competing to be heard. It is much better to welcome each emotional visitor, hear the message, respond to it and wave good-bye as it leaves. Truth really does set us free.
“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:32
This week’s episode of Wellspring On the Air: The Purpose of Pain
This podcast with Lindsey Steffen and Tova Kreps.
