Those with mental illnesses are not the only ones who suffer; family members are affected as well. Because the illness is not as easily visible as other health issues, the affects within a family system may go on for years before being recognized or treated. Consider the following quotes from family members:
“When he would go days without sleeping, I knew I couldn’t speak with him about anything important in our family.”
“I never knew what kind of mood my mom would be in when I got home from school, or if she would be there at all.”
“Every day, I would worry whether or not this was day he would hurt himself.”
“I didn’t know she had an eating disorder when I married her. It’s hard to build a marriage with someone who has a more powerful relationship with food than with you.”
“My son never got appropriate help, and now moves in and out of homelessness and joblessness. I still worry about him.”
“My brother was the one with schizophrenia, but in just a moment, he could get us all to act crazy.”
“I was always trying to explain away their father’s irrational behavior. I thought I was protecting them, but it didn’t make sense, and eventually I learned that facing the truth was better.”
According to Dr. Lloyd Sederer, there are two road marks for families to identify mental illness in a loved one: symptoms and time. Symptoms include mood issues such as marked sadness, hopelessness, anxiety, or irritability. Thinking oddities are also symptoms of mental illness such as racing or jumbled thoughts, extreme suspiciousness, or irrational thinking. Symptoms also include behavioral issues such as dramatic changes in sleep or eating patterns, an inability to function in normal tasks or odd behaviors. The second road mark for families to identify mental illness is the persistence of these symptoms over time. If the person is not improving on their own or as life circumstances change, there may be mental illness involved.
Families facing such issues with a loved one may feel confused, ashamed, or find it hard to trust what they see. Here is some advice for them:
1. Record what you see, and ask others involved to do the same. This objective symptom diary may be very helpful to bring clarity and will also prove helpful to inform professionals who eventually may get engaged.
2. Try not to get into fights. When logic and understanding are missing, and behaviors affect others, frustration increases and often so do our voices. Instead, listen and try to understand what is underneath the symptoms of the loved one.
3. Get external support. Perhaps other family or friends had similar experiences and have insight. Clergy, doctors, school and professional counselors can all offer clarity, advice and resources. The National Alliance on Mental Illness (nami.org) is also a free resource with guidance.
4. Learn about the disorder and about the mental health system. Privacy laws (HIPAA) keep family members from speaking to professionals about an adult family member without consent, but they can listen to information that may be helpful to them if you know how to ask them to do so. Stay engaged and get educated.
5. Prepare for the long haul. There is hope for people with mental illness to live full, productive lives. But the process of coming to stability may be a long road with many twists and turns.
6. Take care of yourself. With “your own mask on first”, you will be able to handle your loved one with wisdom, kindness, grace and patience.
Friends, family and church communities may not understand the plight of family members of those with mental illness, but that doesn’t mean they don’t care. Gently inform them of your experience, and if they still judge you, love them anyway, but find others for support.
by Tova Kreps, LCSW, President & Co-Founder
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To continue the conversation on mental health stigmas, join Wellspring Thursday, April 30, as we seek to Shatter the Stigmas through our live stream event from the comfort of home, with an online silent auction, Dr. Ed Stetzer, videos and interactive discussions with our panel and our audience.
